


Out of the Darkness

by nowheretohide



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F, Rana Nazir & Kate Connor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-05-04 04:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowheretohide/pseuds/nowheretohide
Summary: Will Kate be able to cope with the loss of her brother? can Rana steer her through?





	1. Coping

**Author's Note:**

> There's obviously going to be a lot of dark matter in this. There is a few chapters worth at least. I'm a couple of weeks behind whats on screen so I am just speculating.

Kate was not herself; she was swimming in a sea of grief, misery, guilt. In fact she wasn’t swimming, she was drowning. Every day was a struggle, waking up and feeling, well, nothing. She kept wondering how she was going to get through the next minute, never mind the next hour or day. Every movement was like wading through treacle. She was trying to just put one foot in front of the other, kept saying she was fine, but she wasn’t, she really wasn’t.

She had to be strong, she had to look after her Dad, Carla, even Michelle, she couldn’t break down because if she did, who would take care of them. When she was around them she WAS fine, to a certain extent anyway, she could focus on helping them deal with THEIR pain, THEIR grief, she could help organise things, for the funeral, the business, be there for them as a shoulder to cry on, but then, on her own, behind closed door she knew she was a mess. She knew she wasn’t grieving, she knew it wasn’t healthy but she couldn’t allow the reality to come through, if she allowed herself to think about Aidan being gone, about never seeing him again, about how horrible she’d been to him recently, about being so wrapped up in her own problems she hadn’t seen what a dark place her brother had gone to. How could she not have seen? Why had she been so selfish? It had all been about Rana and because of that she hadn’t noticed her own brother sinking so deep into himself that he had committed suicide. She couldn’t allow herself to think these things. She couldn’t break. She couldn’t let the guilt come to the surface. People needed her, and Kate was always there for the people that needed her.

\---- -- - ----- - - - - - ------ - - - ------

Kate & Rana had been sat together giggling in the Rovers about some silly fantasy they had about going away together when Kates phone had rung.

‘It’s Dad’ said Kate picking up ‘Alright Dad?’

Rana saw Kates face drop as she stood up, her face crumbling, tears forming, her lips wobbling

‘Wha.., no, I’m coming now’

‘What is it?’ asked Rana worried, instinctively reaching out to comfort her girlfriend.

‘I’ve got to go, It’s Aidan’

Ranas eyes filled, she’d seen this look with Kate before, in the Bistro… Luke… But no, not Aidan, it couldn’t be.

Kate fled the Rovers, Rana heading after her taking her hand. They arrived at Aidans flat to find paramedics heading up the stairs, police close behind and Johnny coming down. Rana could see he was in shock and went straight into nurse mode.

‘Johnny, lets sit you down’ she said putting her arm round him and lowering him down to the kerb ‘And you’ she said gently to Kate lowering her to sit next to her Dad, who took his hands in hers She knelt in front of them. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’ she said gently

‘I just found him’ whispered Johnny, his voice void of emotion staring straight ahead ‘He wasn’t breathing’

‘I’m going to see him’ said Kate, standing and heading for the flat door.

‘No Kate’ said Johnny & Rana together. Rana moving to block the way,

‘I have to see him’ shouted Kate desperately, trying to push past her but Rana was standing firm, she knew that Kate would regret going in there and Rana had no idea what she may find, she had to protect Kate from seeing something that she may never be able to erase from her mind. Rana pushed her backwards, refusing to let her past no matter how hard Kate tried until eventually the younger woman collapsed to the floor, beaten, Rana sank down beside her holding her sobbing, broken, girlfriend in her arms. All she could do was gently rock her back and forth, stroking her head and letting her cry whilst whispering soothing words.

‘I’m so sorry honey, I’m so sorry, shhhh, shhhh, I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you’

Kate clung to her, tears drenching her girlfriends shoulder and Rana wished she could make it all go away.

A small crowd had gathered as the paramedics brought the stretcher out of the flat, a blanket covering Aidans face, until that moment Rana had still had a hope that the paramedics might have been able to do something, but now it was confirmed, it was over. Aidan was dead.

Kate went silent as the stretcher was loaded into the coroners ambulance.

She turned to Rana and said in a whispered voice that broke Rana’s heart ‘Where are they taking him? Where’s he going?’

‘They’re taking him to the hospital baby, do you want to go with him?’

‘I’ll go’ Johnny said ‘I’m not leaving him alone’

‘I’ll bring Kate’ said Rana softly ‘I’m so sorry Johnny’

Johnny just nodded and the ambulance drove silently away leaving the residents of Coronation Street in shock, muttering among themselves, speculating about what they thought might have happened.

Carla came round the corner as the ambulance disappeared.

‘What’s happened here then?’ she asked, ‘looks serious’

Kate threw herself at her sister and started to sob again. Carla looked at Rana.

‘Carla, I’m so sorry’ this was impossibly hard ‘it’s Aidan, Johnny found him in the flat, they couldn’t resuscitate him’

‘I don’t understand’

‘Carla he’s dead’ sobbed Kate ‘Aidans dead’

‘Have you got your keys Carla, I’ll drive you both there’

When they arrived at the hospital they found Johnny in reception, sitting staring straight ahead.

Kate & Carla sat either side of him. ‘They’ve said we can see him in a minute’ said Johnny ‘if we want to’

‘I’ll leave you guys to it’ said Rana gently, not wanting to intrude ‘if you need anything I’ll just be outside in the car’

‘No’ said Kate, looking like a lost soul ‘don’t leave me’

‘No’ affirmed Johnny ‘You’re family too, we want you here, Kate needs you’

Rana took a seat beside Kate and took hold of her hand, stroking her knuckles, wishing she could push the pain away. Kate rested her head on her shoulder. They all sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

‘Mr Connor?’ said the doctor

‘Yes’ said Johnny standing

‘I’m so sorry for your loss, would you like to see Aidan?

Johnny nodded, Carla got up to follow.

‘I don’t know if I can’ Kate said to Rana ‘I don’t want to see him, you know, not being him’

‘You don’t have to babe’ replied Rana gently ‘You have to do what’s right for you, you’ll have to do this your own way, if you want to see him, say your goodbyes, then now is the time, but if you don’t no one will judge you’

‘Will you come with me?’ she whispered, eyes red, voice as broken as her heart.

‘Of course I will’ said her girlfriend taking squeezing her hand reassuringly.

They followed Johnny & Carla into the Chapel of Rest. Aidan lay there, so still, his eyes shut. Rana felt like an intruder, but would be there as long as Kate needed her. She would literally do anything to make this easier in any way for Kate.

‘Hey son’ said Johnny quietly, stroking Aidans head. ‘I’m sorry I’ve let you down so badly’

Kate took his hand and held it to her cheek, whilst Carla just stood there, unable to take it all in.

‘I’m sorry Ade’ whispered Kate, silent tears streaming down her face that she just couldn’t stop ‘I should have known, you’re my big brother, I love you so much’

Rana quietly slipped out of the room and allowed them their moment of goodbyes together.

\---- -- - --- --- - - -   - - - ------ - - - -----

They drove back to the street almost in silence, Rana checking in her mirrors on the condition of all the Connors at regular intervals, wishing there was more she could do. Johnny was beside her, the two sisters in the back, holding hands, staring out of their respective windows. There was going to be a long hard road ahead of them.

They pulled up alongside the cabin and they left the car, dazed and exhausted.

‘Thank you Rana’ said Johnny pulling her into a hug. ‘Look after her for me’ he added putting his arm around his youngest child ‘I love you so much Kate, and you Carla’ pulling the older woman into the hug too.

‘Will you be ok tonight Johnny?’ asked Rana ‘Is Jenny there?’

‘Yes, I’ll be fine’

‘And you Carla?’

‘Roys waiting up for me, he’ll have the Horlicks fermenting as we speak’

‘If you need anything, anything at all just call’

Rana led a shell shocked Kate up into her flat, she looked exhausted.

‘We need to get you to bed’ she said gently, a comment which would on any other day have extracted an instantaneous flirtacious response.

‘You won’t leave will you?’ asked Kate. Her voice quiet and hoarse from all the crying she’d done.

‘Not a chance’ smiled Rana gently, lovingly ‘I’m going to be right with you all night’

‘What about Zee?’

‘What about Zee? Kate, I am not leaving you for anything. I’ve got you, ok?’

Kate smiled a sad smile ‘Thank you for tonight’

‘I didn’t do anything’

‘You did, you were there, that’s all I needed, to know you were there with me, it gives me strength, and you took care of all of us, I love you’

‘I love you too’ said Rana kissing Kate softly on the lips.

They went through to Kates bedroom. Kate like a dazed child as she was helped into pyjamas. They got into bed, Rana holding Kate in her arms, trying to keep her as safe and comforted as she could, not allowing herself to sleep until she heard Kates breath deepen and she knew that she was sleeping.

\---- -- --- - - ----- -- - ---- -- ---

The next morning Rana woke to find Kate already awake, she was laying staring at the ceiling.

‘Hey’ said Rana placing her arms around her ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m ok’ said Kate ‘I was just thinking that there’s so much we need to do?’

‘We don’t need to do anything’

‘We do, we have to register the death and get a funeral director and pick the music and sort out the factory and clear up his flat’

‘Woah, Kate, easy, one step at a time ok, there’s no rush’

‘We need to get on, come on we’ll get over to Dads’

Kate was already up and getting dressed.

‘I think he’d have liked Eva to help pick the music & flowers, he still loved her you know, she should have a say, and we need to make sure everyone knows’

‘Kate slow down’

‘Why? It all needs doing, are you coming or not?’

A worried Rana got up and threw her clothes on following Kate out into the living room. Alya was there. She passed no comment about the two women coming out of Kates room but instead said ‘Kate, I don’t know what to say, I can’t believe it’

‘Thanks’ said Kate robotically, ‘Can you go over to the factory for me, make sure it’s opened up and everyone’s getting on’

‘Er, yes, sure’ said Alya a little taken aback, throwing a questioning look at Rana.

‘Kate, babe, do you think maybe Alya should send them all home today, as a mark of respect’ asked Rana gently

‘Huh?’ said Kate ‘Why? We can’t let the factory stop now, Aidan worked so hard to get it back up and running again’

‘One day won’t hurt, they all thought a lot about Aidan Kate, let them have a day to grieve’

At the mention of the word ‘grieve’ Kate stiffened.

‘I’m going over to dads’ she said and left.

‘Is she ok?’ asked Alya, a look of genuine concern on her face.

‘It’s early days’ said Rana ‘Last night she was inconsolable, I’m sorry I stayed over, I know you don’t want me here but there was no way I was leaving her in that state, no matter what you think of us, I love her Alya and she needs me right now’

‘I know’ said Alya ‘be here for her as long as you need, just because I hate what you’ve done to Zeedan doesn’t mean I can’t see what the two of you have is real’

‘Thanks Alya’ said Rana gratefully and headed out, very concerned for her girlfriend, she knew the signs, she was trained to, she had to make sure, whatever it took, that she looked after Kate and got her through this.


	2. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate battles her feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the lack of light relief in this story. I haven't actually seen any eps for a few weeks so don't know how things are actually panning out for the Connors. This is just my take on it based on social media, TV listings etc

When Rana arrived at their flat Johnny & Jenny were sat at the table and Kate was in the kitchen.

‘Hey, I’m just making tea, do you want one?’

‘Er, yes please babe' Rana replied tentatively, still worried about how blasé Kate seemed about the situation that morning. She turned to the older couple 'How are you doing this morning Johnny, did you sleep at all?’

‘Not much to be honest, I just keep going over and over things in my head, wondering how I didn’t see this coming’

‘You couldn’t have done, people go out of their way to hide it, you can’t blame yourself’

‘Thanks love’ said Johnny with a sad smile ‘but he’s my son, I should have noticed’

‘He shouldn’t have done it’ said Kate harshly ‘So typical of Aidan to be so selfish, Carla & I were just talking last week about how soft he’d got, how caring, but no, same old Aidan, just thinking of himself’

‘Kate!’ said Johnny shocked

‘What? It’s true, he’s just ducked out leaving us to deal with everything, just like after the wedding, losing the factory, he never thinks of the consequences’

It wasn’t lost on Rana that Kate had just used the present tense.

‘That’s a bit harsh Kate’ started Jenny, ‘he must have been suffering’

‘And now he’s not and we are’ said Kate angrily putting their tea down in front of them.

There was a palpable relief as the buzzer went. Kate went over and answered

‘Come up’ she said ‘It’s Carla & Michelle’

The two women came into the flat, Michelle’s face stained with tears, she put her arms around Kate ‘I’m so sorry love’ she said.

Kate accepted the hug but said nothing.

Johnny stood and hugged his elder daughter and niece, they just looked at each other still in shock, not really knowing what to say to try and comfort one another.

‘I’m going to go call the registry office, make an appointment’ said Kate breaking the silence ‘we can get on with the funeral arrangements then’

‘There’s no rush love’ said her dad softly.

‘Well there is, I was reading up this morning, we need the certificate before the funeral director can collect the body and we need to get on with organising the funeral, is there anyone you want to use?’

Johnny blinked ‘Er, I hadn’t really thought about it yet’

‘Well we need to, how about the same people who did Lukes?’

‘Yeah, sure’ said Johnny still a little taken aback by Kates directness

‘Carla are you ok to call them? See what we need to do’

‘Yeah, sure’ said her sister.

‘Great, Michelle can we do the wake at the Bistro?’ asked Kate sitting down in the armchair and pulling Rana down to sit on the arm beside her, placing her hand on her thigh which Rana took hold of.

‘Of course we can love, but just take a breath yeah, there’s plenty of time, lets just have a minute’

Kate was momentarily silenced but Rana was aware of Kates knee bouncing up and down beneath her hand, a sure sign of anxiety

‘Do you remember that time we went to Butlins at Barry Island’ smiled Michelle suddenly ‘Aidan thought he was John Travolta and entered the dancing competition, white suit and all’

Johnny laughed at the memory ‘He won it as well! He had all the moves, he did an ace one leg spin’

‘He was trying to impress that red coat he fancied!’ said Michelle ‘Typical Aidan’

‘He didn’t lack confidence, that’s for sure’ smiled Johnny, as the whole family thought of the irony that now accompanied that statement.

A steady stream of visitors passed through the flat that morning, Rana watched her girlfriend as she accepted each persons hug and kind words with a polite smile and a thank you. Everyone had a story to share, a happy special memory that Aidan had left them with, and each spoke of their shock at what had happened. Johnny & the older Connors joined in with the stories, even laughing occasionally at some of the ridiculous situations they’d managed to get themselves into as youngsters. As a newcomer to the family many of the stories were aimed at Rana as she hadn’t heard most of the stories and they seemed to be taking comfort in telling their tales, Rana listened to them all, smiled where she needed to, but was getting more & more concerned by the tight grip on her hand and the lack of interaction from Kate.

 

It was late afternoon when Kate & Rana got back to the flat.

‘Shall I make us something to eat?’ asked Rana

‘Nah, I’m good ta, I’m going to get ready for work’

‘Kate, Michelles not opening up tonight’

‘Oh’ said Kate ‘Well what am I supposed to do then?’

‘What do you want to do?’ asked Rana gently, wanting to let her girlfriend do whatever she needed.

‘I dunno’ said Kate sounding lost, time suddenly seemed to be stretched out in front of her which she didn’t know how to fill, time without Aidan, time that would never again have Aidan in it. Listening to all those stories that afternoon had just reminded her again and again that there would never be any more of those incidents, no more silly moments, no more fights, there would only ever be memories of Aidan, no present, no future. ‘I’m just going to go and get changed’ she said quietly.

Kate went into her room and threw herself on the bed overwhelmed by the uncontrollable feeling of pain and loss inside her. Aidan was her big brother, he was supposed to protect her, he promised he’d never let anything happen to her, that he’d always be there. Why had he lied? Why had he broken his promise? How could he do this to her? She buried her head in the pillow, tears she wasn’t aware of streaming from her eyes. She couldn’t do this alone, she needed her brother, he was leaving too big a hole to fill in her world. She was never going to see his face again, never see those gentle brown eyes look at her and say ‘Hey sis, it’s going to be ok’. It was never going to be ok again, how could it be? He was gone, she didn’t know how to be Kate Connor without Aidan, she’d never had to be, and she’d never wanted to be. They’d always been so close, the death of their mum at such a young age had given them an unbreakable bond, at least she’d thought it was unbreakable, but he’d chosen to leave her behind, left her to cope on her own. How could he, she’d never have done that to him.

Big racking sobs were leaving her body, she could hardly get her breath as the all the emotions came together, anger, sadness, guilt and loss of the future he was no longer a part of.

She didn’t hear her come in but she suddenly found Rana was there at her side, sitting beside her legs outstretched, pulling her heaving body up to her, holding her tight as the sobs continued. Rana just held her, silently, kissing her head, stroking her back, her heart breaking at seeing her girlfriend so anguished.

‘Let it out baby, I’m here, I’ve got you’ she whispered lovingly, as Kate cried into her chest. At those words Kate started to calm a little, she knew Rana had her.

‘Why Rana?’ she said looking up like a small child

‘I don’t know baby’ she said, wiping Kates tears with her thumb.

‘Why would he leave me? He said he’d always look after me’

‘He’ll still be looking out for you, watching over you’

‘It’s not the same though is it’ she said anger rising in her voice again. ‘he always picked up the pieces for me, he sorted Caz out for me, he’s always sorted all my problems out for me, made everything ok when I didn’t think it could be’

‘You’re going to be fine, I’ve got you, I’ll take care of you, you never have to worry’

Kate knew Rana meant well and she pulled her closer in acknowledgment, but Rana wasn’t her brother, it wasn’t the same.

‘But what if you leave me; he won’t be there to make it better’

‘Hey’ said Rana lifting Kates chin ‘look at me Connor, I am not leaving you, I am never leaving you alone whether you like it or not, I’m your forever’ she placed a kiss on Kates lips, sad at the saltiness from the tears that meant her girlfriend was suffering so much.

‘I didn’t think Aidan would leave, what’s to say you won’t?’ asked Kate, the sobs starting again at the thought of losing Rana too, the only thing she felt she had left at that moment.

Rana kissed her forehead, her nose, her chin. ‘I… am not… going anywhere’ she reiterated. ‘And I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you Kate’

The two women lay there, Rana just stroking Kate wished she could make it better, take just some of the pain away from her. Although she understood medically the issues of depression and it’s uncontrollable nature it was a completely different prospect seeing first hand just how much the Connor family were hurting.

‘We need to get you some food baby’ whispered Rana.

‘I’m not hungry’

‘I know, but you’ve not eaten all day and I’m not having you getting ill’

‘I don’t care’ said Kate emptily

‘No, but I do! So no arguments ok, I’m making, you’re eating’ she said gently but firmly.

‘Thank you’ said Kate kissing Rana ‘I do love you, I couldn't do this without you'

‘I love you too, you’re going to get through this and I’ll be right beside you all the way, one day at a time, ok?’

Kate nodded, her emotions still in turmoil but grateful that at least she had Rana otherwise she didn’t know what she’d do. She felt so abandoned right now and incredibly vulnerable, a feeling that Kate had experienced so little in her life as she'd always had the protection of Aidan and had never loved anyone in the way she loved Rana. Now vulnerability was becoming common place, she had no one to keep her safe and her heart was open to hurt in a way it had never been before.

Rana was relieved that Kate was at least managing to eat some of the chicken and rice she’d cooked for them. Her girlfriend seemed to have calmed down a little but Rana was very aware that there was still a long, long way to go.

‘Shall we watch a film?’ Rana suggested trying to find a way to help keep Kate distracted. ‘I’ll even let you watch your favourite…?’

‘Blimey I must be in a bad way’ said Kate, a small smile playing on her lips

‘Take advantage of it, you know I refuse Miss Congeniality 90% of the time no matter how much you beg’

Kates smile was bigger this time although still accompanied by the sadness in her eyes.

‘And’ added Rana ‘I’ll let you lay on me for a change’

They took up their position on the sofa, Rana on her back arm around Kate who laid alongside her, arm across her girlfriends stomach. Rana was grateful that Kate seemed to have found a little peace for a while and held her as close as she could, planting occasional kisses on the top of her head, she thought she had drifted off into a much needed sleep but, unseen by Rana, Kate was just staring into space, not seeing the pictures, just tormenting herself with thoughts of what she could have, should have and would have done differently.


	3. A friend in need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate continues to try and deal with what's happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't seen Aidans death yet, or how Corrie are handling the Kana relationship & Kates grief, this is totally my own take on it

Kate was so tired but every time she went to bed and closed her eyes all she could think about was Aidan. She couldn’t shake her guilt, replaying conversations again and again in her head looking for any signs she might have missed that gave a clue to her brothers desperate state of mind. Had he been trying to tell her, reach out to her and she’d been so self-absorbed that she’d just missed it.

She kept swinging between guilt and anger, anger that she was left feeling guilty. She was trying to comfort her dad, telling him every day that there was nothing HE could have done, reassuring him that he shouldn’t be feeling guilty. She was telling him that but hypocritically feeling the same herself.

Rana was doing her best to look after her, tragically Aidans death had ended up being a catalyst for the progression of their relationship. Alya had softened towards them and Rana was staying every night, looking after her, making sure she ate, stroking her whilst she cried and holding her close whilst she slept. Whilst Rana slept that is, Kate just lay there stroking Ranas arm feeling some comfort from the warmth of her girlfriends body around her. She should have been elated, this was all she’d wanted for months, her & Rana together like this but she couldn’t feel any happiness, just the emptiness of the hole left in her life. That made her angry too, that Aidan had taken away her happiness. Why didn’t he just talk to someone?

She’d spent many a sleep deprived hour scrolling through her phone, reading about depression. Now all the signs had been laid out in front of her they were obvious, the way he was so keen to give his kidney, how soft and compassionate he had suddenly become, how he had taken Summer under his wing, how he was with her at the party. It all made sense in hindsight and she couldn’t understand why these things weren’t more well publicised so everyone could be looking out for these behavioural changes in their loved ones. If she’d known then what she knew now maybe she could have saved him. Why didn’t she notice him slipping away that night? Why was it so important that she always got hammered? If she hadn’t been drunk she might have seen him go and gone after him. She sighed and tears started to roll down her cheeks again.

Rana woke feeling Kates stomach constricting as she cried.

She pulled her closer, her heart breaking that she couldn’t stop this happening every night.

‘Shhh’ she whispered ‘I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you, I love you’

Kate continued to cry ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you’

‘Don’t be silly, I’d rather be awake than have you crying all alone’ she snuggled closer into Kate gently kissing her neck. ‘Do you want to talk?’

‘Not really’ said Kate ‘I’m ok, just overtired’

It was worrying Rana that Kate was refusing to talk. Her emotions were all over the place, sometimes crying, sometimes snappy and angry, sometimes like nothing had happened but never talking about what she was actually feeling. She knew that Kate was never going to go see a professional so Rana had spoken to a colleague about what she herself could do to help her girlfriend through this time. She had to let Kate deal with things in her own way, she knew that, but had to get her to let things out and that was proving very difficult. She had hoped she may be different with her family as they were all feeling the same things, but whenever Rana saw them together Kate just looked after them, held them, listened to them, comforted them, but she never spoke about what she herself was feeling. So all Rana could do was be there, be there for when Kate was ready.

The next day the Connors met in the Bistro with the celebrant & funeral director to go through details for Aidans funeral which was now only three days away. They wanted to keep it simple and as a celebration of Aidans life.Kate was insistent that she wanted to be one of the pallbearers and that she was going to do a reading. During one of her sleepless nights she had come across a poem, written by a young man who'd taken his own life, she'd read it every night and wanted to read it at the funeral. Johnny & Rana had tried to talk her out of it, thinking it might be too much on the day for her to take on two such immense and emotional tasks, but Kate was non relenting, it was the last two things that she could do for her brother, she’d never get another chance and she wasn’t going to miss it.

‘My shift starts in five’ said Kate and headed off to get her apron, kissing Rana as she passed her ‘I’ll see you back home when you’re finished’

Even under the circumstances, when Kate spoke about them being ‘home’ together it made Rana's stomach flutter with excitement, she really did need to try and make this a permanent arrangement.

\- - ---- -- - - ----- - - -

Later that afternoon Kate was just placing the empty glasses down on the bar when Sophie came in.

‘Hiya’ said Sophie

‘Hi’ said Kate

‘Look, I know we’ve not really spoken recently but I had to come and see you, I’m so sorry about Aidan Kate’ and took a step towards her.

Kates eyes filled and she looked down at her feet willing the tears not to fall.

‘Thanks’ she managed to mutter not feeling like she deserved anything from Sophie after hurting her so much.

‘Come here’ she said pulling Kate into a slightly awkward hug ‘Whatever’s gone on, you’re my mate yeah, you know I care about you and if you need to talk I’m here. I’ve been through this, I know what you’re feeling’

‘No one knows what I’m feeling’ said Kate, half angry, still looking down

‘I lost Maddie remember, it’s the most pain I’ve ever suffered and I never ever want to feel that again, I didn’t know if I would survive it myself, and I was angry, so angry with her for leaving me behind’

Kate lifted her head looking at Sophie, her voice soft ‘You were angry?’

‘Yes, angry that she’d put herself in danger, that she’d been selfish, that I was left behind to cope on my own and that I would never get to see her again, I was angry and so empty and sad all the same time’

‘That’s how I’m feeling, but I feel like I’ll be judged for thinking it’

‘No ones going to judge you Kate, it’s normal, and Rana especially, it’s obvious how much she loves you, well it is now anyway’ she said smiling ironically ‘talk to her, tell her what you’re going through’

‘You’re right, she’s been so good and I know I need to open up more, I just find it hard, I don't want to put my problems on her when she'd been through so much recently’

‘When do you finish?’

‘I’m nearly done now’

‘Do you fancy going into town, having a few drinks, might do you good to have a bit of a blow out and you can offload on me a bit before you go home’

‘Ok, but just let me call Rana, tell her I’ll be back later’

 

‘Hey, you ok?’ Rana answered straight away her voice full of concern

‘Yeah, I’m fine, are you ok if I go for a couple of drinks with Soph, she’s been telling me about Maddie dying, how she felt’

‘Of course it’s fine’ said Rana, she was just happy that it seemed like Kate was talking, it didn’t matter who it was with ‘Just let me know when you’ll be back and I’ll get some food ready’

‘Thanks Rana’ said Kate gently

‘What for?’

‘For being you, for being there for me, for loving me, I know I need to open up more and I will, but don’t think I don’t appreciate and know that you’re there for me, I’m not saying much, but I know I couldn’t do this without you’

Rana smiled into the phone ‘I’m always there darling, whenever you need, now go talk to Sophie, I’m glad you’re speaking and I hope she can help’

‘I love you’

‘I love you too, be good’

‘Always’

Kate hung up and gestured to Sophie as she took off her apron, ‘Come on then, let’s go’

\- - ---- -- - - ----- - - - 

Kate and Sophie were sat at the bar in Vanilla, already onto their second bottle of wine, the majority of which had been drunk by Kate. Sophie had voiced a lot of what Kate was feeling, things that Kate thought she had been wrong for feeling. Maybe it was ok for her to feel anger & guilt, maybe it was normal after all. It felt good to talk to someone who'd felt all these conflicting emotions.

For the first time Kate really opened up about how angry she was at Aidan, telling Sophie that she didn't feel she could be happy anymore as it must mean she didn't care about him. She spoke about how angry she was that she'd been left to look after Johnny by herself and that she didn't have Aidan to look after her anymore, that was followed by guilt that she hadn't looked after him. She also worried about how angry her mum must be at her for not taking care of her big brother when they’d promised her they'd always look out for each other.

Sophie just listened for the most part, feeling her friends anguish and letting Kate just get it all off her chest. She tried to reassure her that what she was thinking was normal and not to chastise herself for it and that it was perfectly fine to cry.

Sophie talked about Maddie and how she still thought of her all the time, that sometimes she felt bad when she liked someone else, like it was still cheating. Yes, even when she was with Kate, which inevitably led the conversation to their doomed relationship, with a drunk Kate apologising yet again for what had happened and promising that Sophie would find someone amazing and that she, Kate, would be the best wing woman ever and get her fixed up because how cool would it be if they could go out on double dates.

The problem was that the more Kate was drinking the more she started to think back to that party, the last moments she had spent with Aidan, how she’d not cherished those moments, not noticed anything because she’d been so drunk. The more she thought about it the more she wanted to drink to try and make those feelings go away, she wanted to drink until she didn’t feel anything anymore, until it all just disappeared.

When Kate arrived back from one trip to the loo she was dragging two girls along with her, she introduced them to Sophie, with a none too subtle wink, clearly with the idea that she was the best wing woman ever and she was setting Sophie up, it wasn’t long before the shots started and Kate was pretty much wasted.

It was when Kate almost fell over on the dance floor that Sophie thought maybe enough was enough and tried to get Kate to head home.

‘But I’m having fun’ said Kate petulantly ‘And I think she likes you’ she stage whispered, barely able to stand.

‘Come on Cupid’ said Sophie patiently ‘Lets get you some water and have a sit down, then we’re off’

‘Don’t want to’ sulked Kate, but allowing Sophie to sit her down.

‘As the water started to hit the spot and the dance endorphins settled down Kate began to feel the sadness creeping back, remembering how Aidan had taken her to this very bar for the first time, to try and help her explore herself. He had been so great when she came out, doing everything he could to support and even encourage her, he had totally accepted her for who she was without question. Tears started to well up and suddenly all she wanted was the comfort of her girlfriends arms around her.

Rana’s phone rang

‘Hi Sophie’ she said a hint of concern in her tone

‘Rana can you come and get us? I can’t get her to move, she just wants you but I can’t get her into a cab. She’s so drunk they won’t take us. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let her get this bad’

‘Don’t apologise, I’m on my way’ said Rana instantly; if Kate wanted her she’d be there ‘Is she ok?’

‘She’s just had too much and is a bit teary, she just keeps asking where you are’

‘I’ll be there as soon as I can, just take care of her whilst I get there won’t you? I’ll meet you at the corner of Richmond Street. I’ll text you when I’m there’

Twenty minutes later Yasmeens car pulled up and the door opened, Sophie had managed to get some water down Kate but she was still in a bad way, however, as soon as she saw Rana her face lit up

’Rana!’ She smiled

‘One too many babe?’ asked Rana helping Sophie take Kate to the car and roll her into the back. Sophie walked round to the far door as Rana folded Kates legs into the car, as she leant forward Kate managed to find the energy to pull Rana to her, clumsily planting a kiss on her lips.

‘I’m sorry’ she slurred ‘I didn’t mean to’

‘Shhh, it’s fine baby, lets just get you home’

‘I love you so much, please don’t leave me, I can’t lose you’

‘You’re not ever going to lose me’ she said kissing Kates forehead and getting in the drivers door ‘Are you ok in the back with her Soph?’

 

They drove back, Kate kept trying to get her arms around Rana before finally napping, mouth open, on Sophies shoulder.

 

‘Thank you Sophie, I really appreciate you looking after her and taking her out tonight’ said Rana looking at Sophie in the mirror, her voice full of appreciation and respect

‘I do really care about her, I hate seeing her in pain like this’

‘I know you do and I'm so grateful to you for talking to her about Maddie, I just don't, thankfully, have those experiences to share, did she talk to you about Aidan?'

'She did. I think she thought she was wrong for having negative thoughts but I told her it's normal, I had them and it wasn't even Maddies fault, I told her she needs to talk to you too about how she's feeling, she has to talk'

'Thank you, I really mean that and I’m really sorry about what happened with you & Kate, I encouraged you, I shouldn’t have, it wasn't fair but i didn't mean for you to get hurt, neither of us did, we thought it was over, that we couldn't be together’

‘I should have seen the signs, it’s not your fault and you’re obviously making her happy, well, under the circumstances, and I’m glad for you both, honestly I am’

‘You’re a good person Sophie Webster, we need to find you someone as amazing as you deserve’

'Ha, that's exactly what Kate said'

 

They managed, between them to get Kate up the stairs to her flat where Sophie said goodnight to them both

‘Love you Soph’ Kate managed to say giving her a hug

‘Thanks Sophie’ smiled Rana as she left 'I owe you’

She closed the door and returned to her girlfriend. ‘Come on Connor, let’s get some Nurofen & water down you’

Kate looped her arms around Ranas neck and gently kissed her ‘You’re the best girlfriend ever’

‘Hardly’ replied Rana, kissing her back softly 

‘I’m sorry’ said Kate again frowning

‘You’ve nothing to be sorry for’ replied her girlfriend collecting tablets and water and guiding Kate through to her room. ‘Now take these & drink this’

When she had done as instructed she asked ‘Are you ok to get undressed?’

‘Uh oh’ said Kate smiling cheekily ‘I think I’m going to need help…’

‘Ah, someones coming round a bit aren’t they…’ laughed Rana starting to help Kate off with her clothes and marvelling for the 100th time about how amazing her body was, but this was not the time…

She tucked Kate under the duvet before removing her own clothes and slipping into bed beside her

‘Do I need a bucket for you?’

‘No, I’m good I think’ said Kate groggily snuggling into Ranas shoulder, her arm across her stomach ‘I love you’

‘I love you too’ said Rana kissing her head

For the first time since Aidans death Kate slept…


	4. I've got you, I'll always have you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the funeral arrives and Kate has never needed her girlfriend more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that this is all a little dark, there's not much joy or fluff to eek out of a suicide, but I hope you can enjoy it in some way.
> 
> I can't take credit for either of the readings/poems in this fic.   
> 'It's me' by Jacqueline Grieve  
> 'She is gone' by David Harkins

‘Urgh’ moaned Kate opening her eyes then quickly closing them again against the light

‘Morning!’ said Rana, propping herself up on one elbow ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Urgh’ repeated Kate forcing her eyes back open ‘I have no recollection of getting back here’

‘Sophie called me, I came and got you both’

‘Oh no, I’m so sorry, are you mad at me?’ she Kate asked sounding like a small child

‘Of course I’m not’ Rana smiled laying back down and gesturing for Kate to come and snuggle in for a cuddle ‘I think it may have been just what you needed, but you might suffer for it today’

‘My head is banging’

‘I’m not surprised!’

‘Did I do anything stupid?’

‘Apart from making a move on Sophie and trying to kiss her?’

‘Shut up’ Kate managed a smile ‘Whatever state I was in there’s no way on earth I’d do that, I only have eyes for you, so stop being mean!’

Rana laughed ‘Sophie took pretty good care of you until I got there, though I think you may have drooled on her a bit when you fell asleep on her on the way back’

‘Thank you Rana’ said Kate wrapping her arm tight around her girlfriends tiny waist.

‘What for?’

‘For being cool about me going out with Soph and for getting me home safe and I’m guessing it was you who got me into bed… Well I’m hoping it was you who got me into bed’

Rana laughed ‘That’s what girlfriends are for isn’t it?’

‘It felt good to talk. I mean I know I can talk to you and I will try to be better I promise, but Sophie made me feel better about what I was feeling because she’d been through it with Maddie, felt the same things. I was too young to remember how it felt after losing mum’

‘You know I’m here anytime you need, you can talk, or not talk and if it helps you to talk to someone else then that’s fine too Kate, I’ll just be there for you in any way you want me to be. You have to get through this your own way, but just know that I’m right here beside you for every step of it’

‘I love you so much’ said Kate leaning up to kiss Rana

‘Er… no way…’ said Rana leaning back ‘not until you’ve cleaned your teeth’

‘Oi’ said Kate punching Rana playfully then rolling on top of her to try and tickle her into submission.

Rana managed to escape and pulled on a T-shirt ‘I’ll go make you a coffee, you go clean yourself up’ she said, blew Kate a kiss and disappeared to the kitchen.

Kate lay there for a few minutes, feeling the hangover but also a slight sense of lightness coming back to her world that had felt so dark over the past week or so. She knew she was incredibly lucky to have someone like Rana, who would literally do anything to support and be there for her and to have good friends like Sophie.She still felt the loss of her brother, but for the first time felt like she might actually be able to get through this if she just allowed those people who loved her to help her through it.

 - - - ----- --- -------- ----- 

The day of the funeral was grey & overcast, fitting to how all of the Connors were feeling that morning. They wanted it to be a celebration of Aidans life, but at the same time it was impossible to not feel the weight of loss and sadness hanging over them. It was hard to celebrate a life that he was so unhappy with himself that he chose to end it early.

The funeral procession arrived on Coronation Street, the hearse leading the way. A floral arrangement of white lilys, calla Lillies, sunflowers and birds of paradise lay on top of the casket and then floral tributes reading SON & BROTHER lay on either side.

It all felt so surreal to Kate, she could never have imagined as she’d stood and read ‘Let me go’ at Lukes funeral that barely 5 months later she’d be attending her own brothers funeral. How could this be happening? At least this time she had Rana by her side, giving her strength, arm around her waist for support. Kate really didn’t know how she would have survived this far without the love and comfort of her girlfriend.

Kate got into the back of the follow car, Rana slipping in beside her and taking a tight hold on her hand in her lap. Kate leaned her head on the smaller womans shoulder and Rana gently kissed her hair. No words were needed.

Jenny kept talking, she just couldn’t help herself, she found silence uncomfortable. Carla sitting the other side of Kate was struggling not to tell her to shut up whilst Jonny just stared ahead at his sons coffin in the car in front, still barely able to believe that his son was dead.

The cars pulled up outside the crematorium, the streets residents were already gathered to pay their respects to their friend and colleague.

Kate looked out of the window, she saw Summer, Eva, Maria, all devastated. How could Aidan not have known how loved he was by so many people? How could he have left them all behind and how could no one have noticed how he was feeling ? How could she not have noticed? She felt Rana start to rise at the side of her, still holding her hand and she followed out of the car wanting to be anywhere else but there right now. It was only the feel of Rana’s hand in hers that was stopping her running away, running back into the darkness where she blamed herself and hated Aidan for what he’d done to them.

‘Are you sure you want to do this babe?’ asked Rana softly taking both hands in hers and looking straight into Kates eyes searching for any sign of doubt.

Kate just nodded, unable to find words. She did want to do this. She knew she’d always regret it if she didn’t. As conflicting as her feelings had been since Aidan took his life, Kates love for her big brother was never in doubt and these were the final acts she could give to him.

Rana squeezed her hands ‘I’ll just be inside, I’ll be waiting for you’

‘Sit at the front’ Kate whispered, voice hoarse with emotion ‘You’re family and I need you next to me’

Rana nodded and let go of Kate, walking into the building alongside Imran, Sophie & Rosie.

Kate watched her go then went with her Dad & Robert to the back of the hearse where Kirk was already waiting alongside the funeral director & assistant ready to carry Aidan on his final journey. The funeral director gave them instructions on how they were to carry the coffin but Kate wasn’t hearing the words, she felt like she was looking in from outside. She stepped forward with her Dad to the back of the car, the funeral director and assistant behind them and Kirk & Robert bringing up the rear. They pulled out the shelf of the car, hands placed under the casket and on the count of three lifted Aidan up onto their shoulders.

As ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ began to play the congregation stood, facing the door. Rana saw Kate, alongside her father, at the front of the coffin, Kate staring steadfastly ahead. Her heart couldn’t have been more full of love for the strength, mentally and physically that it must have been taking Kate to make that walk. Jonny had tears rolling down his face but Kate just stared forward concentrating on where she needed to get to.

The six pallbearers reached the front and lowered the casket down. Kate kissed her fingers placed them on the casket and walked to her seat alongside Rana. The celebrant talked of Aidans childhood and his successes both as a student and then in the business world, he had been a keen cricketer and a secret lover of country music. All the time he spoke Kate looked straight ahead, her knee jigging up and down and her hands constantly wringing in her lap. Rana kept glancing at her and could see her occasionally looking to the ceiling, clearly trying to focus her mind and keep the tears from falling. Rana just kept a reassuring hand on her thigh.

‘And now Aidans sister Kate would like to read a poem’

Kate rose from her seat and went to stand at the lecturn. She didn’t make eye contact with anyone. She just looked out in front of her, willing herself to stay strong enough to do this. She’s found this poem late one night and had read it many times since during her sleepless nights. It was written by a young man who had taken his own life and she had taken comfort from it’s words as she’d tried to quash her anger and understand how Aidan could have left them. She hoped that reading it would help others to understand a little too.

She took a deep breath, unable to stop a tear run down her cheek and a droplet fall from her nose.

_‘Hey, you guys, don’t feel guilty, it was just my time to go._

_I can see you’re all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow._

_My lifes journey ended early, the path I chose was short._

_You all tried your best to change it, but in the end it was for me to sort._

_I know I caused you sadness, I know I caused you pain,_

_But I was captured by these demons, they wouldn’t set me free again_

_They took away my freedom, they took away my choice_

_And when they got their hooks in, you could hear it in my voice._

_There were times I tried to fight them, there was a time I nearly won_

_But they came back & overpowered me, I had nowhere left to run_

 

Kates voice cracked a little at the thought of him having no option but the one he took. She looked for Rana and saw her there, looking right back, nodding at her, willing her to complete what she’d started… Kate took a breath, nodded at Rana and carried on…

 

_I haven’t really left you guys, I am closer than you know._

_I will be the whisper in the wind, I will be everywhere you go._

_One day you will forgive me, one day you will understand._

_And when your time on earth is done. I will be waiting to take your hand_

 Kates tears began to flow down her face and she held on to the lecturn, the loss and gravity of the moment hitting her like a train.

Rana was on her feet and over to her in seconds, her heart breaking for her girlfriend. She placed her arm around Kate and gently guided her back to her seat where Kate buried her head in Ranas shoulder and cried. Rana held on to her and whispered  ‘I’m so proud of you baby. You’ve done Aidan proud too’ 

 

The service continued with more tributes of Aidan, reflective music Wif Khalifa's 'See you again' and then another reading, this time from Carla.

 

_You can shed tears that he has gone_

_Or you can smile because he has lived_

_You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back_

_Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left_

_Your heart can be empty because you can't see him_

_Or you can be full of the love that you shared_

_You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday_

_Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday_

_You can remember him and only that he is gone_

_Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on_

_You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back_

_Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on._

Johnny openly cried whilst Kate held onto Rana’s hand for dear life, so thankful that she had her in life, right now she couldn’t believe how she had ever managed without her beside her, her rock she instinctively knew she’d always be able to count on.

 - --- - ---- - - ------- - - - -----

Back at the Bistro whilst friends & family gathered and raised a glass to Aidan, each remembering him in their own way, Kate and Rana sat quietly beside beside each other in one of the booths.

'I hated not being able to be there for you at Lukes funeral' said Rana, looking sadly at Kate 'I wanted so badly to just take you in my arms and tell you it was going to be ok'

'I hated it too, but that's in the past, we have to keep looking forward now'

'I know, but I still hate all the times I hurt you and didn't allow myself to be there for you when you needed me. It was that day I knew I had to make the change, tell Zeedan and try and get you to forgive me and give me the chance to never let you down again'

'Shh, stop beating yourself up, it's behind us, we're together now, that's all that matters'

Rana smiled and kissed Kate gently on the lips before asking 'How are you feeling? I know it's a stupid question, but are you ok?' 

 

 ‘I kind of feel a bit better now it’s over’ said Kate ‘Like I’ve accepted it a little more. I mean, it hurts like hell still, and I can’t quite believe I’ll never see him again, or be able to insult him again, or even be mad at him again, but I feel more at peace’

 

‘That’s a good thing’ said Rana ‘You’ll never forget him and he’ll always be with you’

 

‘I hope so’ replied Kate ‘I’m glad he got to see us together properly, I think he knew I’d be safe now I’ve got you. In my heart I’m telling myself that he waited until he knew I’d found happiness, that he knew I’d be ok without him now. I can’t bear the thought that he would just abandon me without knowing I’d be ok’

 

‘You are safe baby. I swear I’ll look after you until my dying day, you never have to worry about being alone or scared. I’ve got you and I’ll always have you’

 

‘I wish he could have been there to see me get married’

 

Rana raised an eyebrow ‘I hope you mean to me’ she said softly whilst nudging Kate playfully.

 

Kate smiled, Rana could always make her smile ‘Of course I mean to you, I am going to make you my wife one day’

 

‘Is that a proposal?’ asked Rana

 

Kate chuckled ‘Not yet, but it will be, one day. I love you so much Rana Habeeb and I want the world to know it’

 

Rana leaned forward and kissed Kate. Even on this saddest of days, the bond and love between them just kept growing stronger and both women knew that they were in this for keeps


	5. Suddenly everything is different

Kates eyes flew open and she tried to orientate herself with the horrific noise that had awakened her. Rana was still fast asleep beside her. How on earth was she managing to sleep through that racket.

 She suddenly realised what it was and leapt out of bed pulling a t-shirt over her head as she crossed the room to where baby Susie lay in her crib.

 ‘Hey’ she said softly leaning over the side of the rail to pick up her niece ‘What’s all this noise?’

She lifted the baby up and held her to her chest gently jigging her up and down. ‘Shhh’ she whispered comfortingly ‘Shhhh, we don’t want to wake Auntie Rana do we?’ Susie quietened down and she held her close as she snuck out of the bedroom into the living room. Kate walked across to the kitchen to start and warm some milk.

 

‘Are you hungry sweetheart?’ she questioned as she tested the milk on her wrist.

 She sat down on the sofa, her niece nestled in the crook of her arm and held the bottle to Susies mouth. She sucked hungrily at the milk gazing upwards at her doting Aunt. Kate smiled down at her ‘You have so got your daddys eyes’ she whispered.

 

‘She really does doesn’t she?’ said Rana gently placing her hands on Kates shoulders and kissing the top of her head. She knew that seeing Aiden living on in the little girl had brought so much comfort to Kate and the rest of the Connors as they’d struggled to come to terms with his death.

Kate kissed Ranas hand as she continued the feed. ‘I was trying not to wake you’ said Kate. 

‘You didn’t’ replied Rana, moving to sit beside Kate. ‘She is just so cute’

‘Isn’t she?’ said Kate adoringly

‘She’s got your nose’ observed Rana ‘so cute and wrinkly’

‘Do you think?’

‘Yep, definitely the Connor nose’ Rana smiled

Susie had stopped feeding and was starting to grumble again. ‘Uh oh, think someone needs winding’ said Kate.

‘Pass her here’ said Rana ‘I’ll do it’

 Kate passed Susie over and Rana held her to her, gently rubbing and patting Susies back whilst whispering loving words of encouragement. ‘Who’s a clever girl?’ she whispered after one little burp ‘Auntie Ranas so proud of you’

Kate looked at them both thinking her heart might burst it was so full of love for the two women beside her. She just wished Aiden was still here to share her happiness. ‘I love you’ she said softly.

‘What made you say that?’ laughed Rana

‘Just seeing you, like this, how you are with Susie. You’re going to be such a great mum Rana’

‘And so are you. This is great practice for when we have our own family’

‘I can’t wait’ smiled Kate and leaned in to kiss her girlfriend.

Susie had gone back to sleep and was making small snuffly noises against Rana’s shoulder. They two women walked back through to the bedroom. Lay her back in her crib and each placed a small kiss on her head before climbing into bed beside each other.

‘I’m going to hate giving her back in the morning’ whispered Kate as she pulled Rana into her arms.

‘I know, but Eva said we can have her anytime we want’ replied Rana snuggling back into Kates body and holding her arm as it lay across her stomach.

‘Thank you for doing this with me. I want her to be a proper Connor and to know all about her Daddy’

‘I’m enjoying every second of it’ replied Rana sleepily. ‘Now sleep before she has us up again’

 

\--- -- --- - - -   --- - - -   - - 

‘I just don’t feel like we get any time together’ Kate was telling her Dad as she joined him for a drink at the Rovers the next lunchtime when Rana was once more unable to get away from the medical centre.

 ‘What you need is a break’ said her Dad as he poured Kate another glass. Her dad running The Rovers had definite benefits.

‘I know’ said Kate ‘it’s been such a tough year for us both, just one thing after another’

‘You need some time together, just you two on your own, away from everything’

‘If only we had a money tree’ said Kate sadly.

‘Well you kinda do’ said Johnny

Kate raised her eyebrow quizzically 

‘Well, I’m more of a money shrub’ smiled Johnny ‘but I’m sure it’s got enough to be able to treat my daughter to a holiday after everything she’s been through’ 

‘Do you mean it?’ beamed Kate, hugging her dad.

‘Absolutely’ Replied Johnny, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt recently, it’s to look after those I love while I can. And not just by giving them free booze!’

‘Thanks Dad’ said Kate hugging him ‘It’s just what we need. I can’t wait to tell Rana. We’ll look what deals there are tonight’

’Just don’t mention it to Jenny’ he said quietly casting a sidewards glance at his wife who was busy serving Adam. ‘Let’s keep it our secret for now’ 

‘Deal’ said Kate.

 

\----- - - ----- - - ----- - - - ---

 

‘You’re kidding’ said Rana that night over dinner ‘He’d really do that for us?’

‘Yeah’ smiled Kate ‘You, me, sun, sand…..’

Rana laughed ‘and lots of the other’

‘I can’t wait to get you all to myself for a bit. It feels like we’ve never really had that, just time to relax, on our own, it’s going to be great’

‘It really is’ said Rana sitting on Kates knee and kissing her ‘It feels like everything is finally starting to come together for us’

‘That’s because it is all coming together, we’ve made it through the worst. The only way is up for us babe’

 

\---- - - - ---- - ---- - - ---

 

The noise was penetrating Ranas sleep filled her head. She slowly came to her senses realising the noise she could hear was her phone vibrating on the bedside table. Her eyes could barely focus. The time read 03:32 and the alert on the screen was ‘Missed Call – Imran’.

She slid out of bed taking her phone with her and collecting her dressing room from the back of her bedroom door. Pressing her phone to return the missed call.

Imran answered almost immediately. ’Rana, you need to come now, I’m outside in the car’

‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ asked Rana her heart pounding

‘It’s Dad. He’s had a heart attack’  Rana was silent. ‘Rana, are you there?’

‘Yeah, give me 5 mins’

Rana went back into the bedroom to get some clothes. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and gently woke Kate.

‘Kate, I’ve got to go, my Dads had a heart attack, I’ll call you.’

Kate barely registered the words before Rana was out of the door and gone.

 

She ran down the stairs and got into her brothers car. They looked at each other not quite knowing what to say. They were both painfully aware of how they had been treated and the harsh words and actions they had both suffered at their fathers hands. He was however still their Dad, and their mum needed them. When it came down to it neither of them could turn their back. Family was family after all.

They drove in silence.

Rana’s phone vibrated.

‘I’m thinking of you. Hope he’s ok. I love you’ read the text from Kate.

Rana typed ‘Go back to sleep. I love you too xx’

‘How bad is it?’ asked Rana looking at her brother

‘I really don’t know. Mum didn’t say much and what she did say was barely coherent’

‘We left on such bad terms’ Rana said quietly her eyes filling with tears

‘That was not our fault’ said Imran firmly

They went back to silence. A thick heavy silence.

 

Imran pulled into the hospital car park. Imran pulled Rana into his arms and gave her a huge hug. No words were needed between the siblings. They knew they had each others support whatever they were about to face. They walked into the hospital at pace and were taken to the relatives room where Saira Habeeb sat with her head in her hands.

‘Mum’ said Imran and Saira looked up.

‘Imran’ she said and threw herself at her son ‘He’s in surgery, I don’t know how bad it is’

Saira raised her head and saw Rana in the doorway.

‘You!’ she almost spat ‘Why are you here? This is your fault!!’

‘Hey’ said Imran seeing his sisters face start to crumble ‘This is no-ones fault, we need to be strong together’

'It's the stress SHE's caused that has put him here'

'Enough' almost shouted Imran, his eyes flashing with anger 'This is not the time mum'

‘He’s my dad’ said Rana, tears running down her cheeks ‘I love him, I love both of you’

‘He would not want you here’

‘Yes he would mum' Imran said 'he would want us all here. No matter what has happened, we’re family’

‘Please’ almost begged Rana willing her mum to accept her back ‘Let us be here for you, and Dad. I’ve missed you both so much, we both have, haven’t we Imran?’ there was desperation in her voice

Imran simply nodded.

Saira’s fight left her and she sat back down exhausted. Rana & Imran sat down on either side of her each of them taking one of their mothers hands. For now at least the barricades were down. This changed everything.

 

Just after 6am the cardio surgeon entered the relatives room. The three Habeebs rose as one.

‘Mrs Habeeb, your husbands surgery was a success, we’re lucky you managed to keep CPR up until the ambulance arrived or this would have been a very different story’

Relief flooded across Sairas face ‘That was my daughter, she taught us all  CPR when she was training. She’s a nurse you know’ she said with pride in her voice.

‘Well teaching you that undoubtedly saved his life, it’s early days but your husband should make a full recovery’

Saira pulled Rana to her ‘Thank you’ she said.

Rana risked a small smile ‘I told you you might need it one day’

Ranas phone lit up with a text from Kate ‘Any news? Shall I come to you? I love you.’

‘Who’s that?’ asked Saira.

‘It’s just Moira saying she got my message about not being in work today’ lied Rana and put her phone back in her pocket.

‘You can come and see him if you like’ said the surgeon and the Habeebs set off after him. 

 Rana felt her mothers hand in hers as they walked and her face clouded with confusion. She thought back to the previous night when everything had been perfect. They had been able to picture their perfect future, their life was finally coming together and now… well, now everything had just been blown up again.

 


	6. Torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seems a Habeeb leopard doesn't change it's spots

Saira and her two children arrived at the doors of ITU where Hassan was in a side room. Rana looked through the windows at her father. Despite being well used to such situations she was still shocked to see her dad looking quite so poorly and attached to so many machines. She scanned the various monitors trying to get as much information about her dads status from what she could see. It didn't look good. This was where medical knowledge didn't help your sense of hope.

 

She turned  to Dr Mahmood the surgeon.

‘He's not breathing by himself is he?’ she queried as she watched the steady rhythm of the ventilator.

 

‘He is being assisted’ replied the surgeon ‘So far he’s initiating the breaths but the respirator is completing them for him.

 

‘Exactly what is it he’s been treated for?’ she asked, wanting to get as full a picture about her fathers condition as she could. This looked more serious than she'd initially thought. 'This isn't just a heart attack is it?'

 

‘When your father cardiac arrested his valves split apart causing the heart to rupture, we managed to repair most of the damage with the surgery but the next few days will be vital to his recovery’ admitted the surgeon.

 

Rana knew just how true this was, there was always a high chance of further ruptures with this particular condition. Dr Mahmood had to leave to see to his other patients. Just as Imran & Rana went to push through the doors their mother spoke.

‘I think you should go now Rana’ said Saira

 

‘What?!’ asked Rana & Imran together

 

‘I can’t have you here, I meant what I said, he wouldn’t want you here, not whilst you’re with her’

 

‘But mum….’ Rana started to protest ‘I want to be here, for him and for you too. You need our support and Dads still in danger’

 

‘I’m afraid you made your choice Rana. You chose your own selfishness above your family’

 

‘No! You made me choose. I want to be able to have my family and my partner. Like normal people’

 

‘That’s just it though Rana, What YOU want is not normal’

 

Rana started to cry. ‘Please let me see him’

 

Saira pointed through the window to where her father lay. ‘You’ve seen him, I’ve allowed you that. I owe you nothing else. Now Go! When you decide your family is more important to you then you can return’

 

‘Then I’m leaving too’ said Imran

 

‘No’ said Rana sadly, tears rolling down her cheeks ‘You should stay, mum needs someone with her’

 

Imran looked at his sister, concern & conflict clear on his face. ‘Rana this isn’t right, you should be with us’

 

‘It’s mums choice, not mine’ she replied, looking at her mum who refused to look back ‘but you can’t leave Imran, it wouldn’t be right and you’d never forgive yourself’

 

 

Saira entered the sterile room and sat by her husband’s side taking his hand. The two siblings looked at their parents through the glass, wondering how they had got to this point.

 

Imran looked again at Rana. ‘Let me walk you out at least’

 

The two walked quietly back to the exit

 

‘Will you keep me informed?’ asked Rana as they walked out of the door to the taxi rank

 

‘Of course I will. Are you going to be ok?’ asked Imran, concerned for his sister

 

‘I’ll be fine’ she said squeezing her brothers hand ‘I thought for a minute that this was going to bring us all back together’ she said sadly

 

Imran wasn’t so sure ‘I’ll keep you informed ok, let you know what’s going on’ He pulled his sister into his arms. ‘I’m so sorry Rana, you don’t deserve this’

 

Rana’s eyes were damp ‘The important thing is that dads ok, we’ll deal with everything else from there. Just look after them ok’ she said, generously in the circumstances

 

‘I’ll call you later’ he said letting his sister go ‘ Love you’

 

‘I love you too’ she said her eyes clouded with worry and sadness.

 

She watched Imran walk back into the hospital and pulled out her phone as she got into a taxi

 

**_On my way back babe, see you soon xx_ **

 

\---- - - ---- ---- - - - ----

 

Kate was on Rana as soon as she got through the door, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.

 

‘How is he? Are you ok?’ she asked not letting her go

 

‘His heart ruptured Kate, he’s still in danger. I’m really worried’

 

‘Hey, he’ll be fine, we know he’s a fighter, right?’ she held Rana away from her and gave her a small ironic smile

 

Rana couldn’t help but smile back, albeit a sad one ‘Yeah, I guess we know that’ she said

 

‘Why are you back? I was about to text to ask what you needed bringing when you said you were coming home’

 

‘I needed a shower and stuff’ said Rana quietly.

 

‘Sure, of course’ said Kate ‘and you need to eat, let me make you some breakfast whilst you shower’

 

‘Thank you’ said Rana ‘I do love you’

 

‘I know you do’ smiled Kate and kissed Rana gently ‘and I’m here for you, whatever you need’

 

Rana’s eyes filled with tears, she forced a smile ‘I’ll be back in 10’ she said and headed for the bathroom.

 

’10?’ questioned Kate cheekily, trying to lighten the moment ‘we both know you’re never going to be done in 10’

 

Rana smiled, went into the bathroom and started the shower running. She slowly undressed and looked at her tired eyes in the bathroom mirror. She got in the shower, closed her eyes and allowed the warm water to run over her, wishing it could take away the turmoil she was feeling. Kate would be so angry if she knew that Rana had once more been shunned and she just couldn’t deal with that right now, not whilst she was so worried about her dad.  She knew that Kates anger would be born out of her intense protectiveness and love for her but it was just too much to cope with. She needed to be there for her mum, da and brother. What was she going to do?

 

\--- - - ----- - ----- - --- - -

 

Thirty minutes later Rana was sat at the table in the kitchen. Kate placed pancakes, strawberries and maple syrup down in front of her with a cup of tea.

 

‘You are so adorable’ she told her girlfriend ‘You didn’t have to do this’

 

‘It’s not much’ She took hold of Rana’s hand across the table ‘Listen, you have been there so much for me over these last few months. I wouldn’t have got through all of this with Aiden without you, anything at all I can do for you, no matter how small, I’m here. Ok?’

 

‘I know’ nodded Rana, she slowly ate the food. She wasn’t hungry at all, but she would never upset Kate by not eating it when she’d gone to so much effort.

 

‘Are you heading straight back to the hospital?’ questioned Kate

 

‘There’s nothing much I can do there so I was just going to go to work. Imran will call if anything changes’

 

‘Are you sure?’ asked Kate, her brow furrowed ‘I can come with you.’

 

‘I’m sure’ smiled Rana with her best fake smile ‘He’s sedated anyway’

 

‘Rana there’s something else going on here. What is it?’

 

Rana just started to cry. It was just too much. Kate knew her too well to be able to hide anything from her and to be honest she didn’t want to lie to her.

 

Kate was round the table in seconds pulling Rana to her. Rana just cried into her shoulder, tears wet against Kates neck. She knew what she was going to have to do and it was breaking her heart.

 

‘Hey’ said Kate soothingly ‘Shhh, it’s all going to be ok. Shhhh’ as she stroked Ranas head ‘We face things together remember’

 

Rana just cried harder and clung on to Kate. 


	7. Family Comes First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rana is desperate to see her father

Kate hated leaving Rana this way, but, she was insistent that she was fine and that Kate should go to work as normal. Kate had protested vehemently at first but had finally been convinced, as she’d wiped the last of Rana’s tears away, that she would be ok. So, she gently kissed her on the nose and promised to get back as quickly as she could.

Rana spent the most of the day just pacing the flat, unable to concentrate on anything. She tried desperately to distract herself, cleaning, tidying but she couldn’t get thoughts of her dad out of her head. Although her upbringing had been strict once she’d hit her teenage years, her childhood was full of happy memories. She thought of the holidays she’d had with her parents which had been filled with laughter. She remembered the way her dad used to swing her up in the air as a toddler pretending she could fly. Her father had doted on his little princess and spent hours playing with her at the park, she had never doubted how loved she was. Even as a teenager, when she had been pushed so hard to do her homework and Hassan had become much more strict, Rana had known it was because he wanted the best for her and she was aware that without him pushing her, she would not have been as successful at school and would not have embarked on the career she now loved.  She had, until recently, understood her parents had only wanted the best for her and they had always given her anything she’d wanted. It had always been the rebellious Rana they had disliked and now, just for loving another woman, disowned.

Rana knew full well how serious her fathers condition was and panic kept engulfing her that she may never get the chance to speak to him again and she couldn’t bear to have that regret hanging over her for the rest of her life. She loved her parents. She couldn’t just stop that and having seen with Aiden just how quickly a life can disappear, Rana knew she had to act and headed back to the hospital where she knew she needed to be.

 

When Rana arrived back at her fathers room. She could see straight away that his condition had deteriorated in just the few hours since she’d last seen him.

 

Saira looked at her daughter with contempt ‘You’re back?’

 

‘Please mum, there’s things I need to say, I need him to forgive me, to know that I love him. I need to tell him I forgive him too’ tears were already pricking the back of Rana’s eyes but she was trying to keep her voice steady.

‘He wouldn’t want to hear it Rana’

 

‘Family comes first’ asserted Rana ‘I want to make things right with him’

 

‘You haven’t put family first for some time now, have you? Saira said, her voice harsh & unforgiving

 

Rana looked her mother square in the eye whilst Imran watched the situation cautiously, ready to act if he needed to.

 

‘You can’t stop me mum’ said Rana with determination and headed to the door.

 

Saira stood in Rana’s way and physically stopped her daughter. ‘You are not going in there’ she yelled.

 

Rana crumbled ‘Please, mum, I have to see him’ as she started to cry in desperation

 

At that moment Kate flew through the doors concern written across her face. Without questioning why she was there Rana ran to her and cried hard into her shoulder whilst Kate held her. Imran looked on in desperation as Saira scowled at the pair.

 

‘What’s going on?’ Kate asked Rana quietly ‘Are you ok? I was worried when you weren't at home'

 

Rana just cried as Kate hugged her and glared over her girlfriends shoulder at Saira.

 

Imran ushered the two women into a private room. ‘Just have a minute in here and let me try and talk to mum’ he said. He then looked at Kate 'You shouldn't have come' he said reproachfully

 

'I am not letting her go through this on her own' shot back Kate as Imran went back to his mum.

 

Rana couldn’t stop her sobs. Her head was wrecked. She was going to lose someone she loved whatever she did and right now she knew that this may be the only chance she might get to tell father everything she needed to. She knew the chances were high that they were going to lose him. Could she sacrifice her relationship for that chance?

 

‘I thought we were going to face everything together’ said Kate gently as she stroked Rana's back

 

Rana lifted her head ‘That’s the problem’ she sobbed

 

‘What is?’ asked Kate confused

 

‘Us being together. Mum won’t let me see Dad whilst I’m with you’

 

‘What?!’ demanded Kate, anger starting to take over her feelings

 

‘She said he wouldn’t want me there and that I can’t see him’

 

‘Well we’re going in there right now’ said Kate angrily ‘You have every right to see him. No matter what he’s done he is your dad’

 

‘Please don’t get angry Kate, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you’

 

This instantly subdued Kate, her anger dissipating immediately 'I'm sorry babe, I just hate the thought of anyone hurting you like this and not being able to protect you and make it better. I want to make it better' 

 

‘I know, and I love you for that, but it’s not going to help’

 

‘We can face this together though still’

 

‘How? They’re my family and I need to be there, what if the worst thing happens and I couldn’t be there? But, there’s no way I’m giving you up, you’re everything to me Kate’

 

‘Do you want me to try talking to her? Tell her how much I love you, how serious I am about us? I can be really calm and grown up!’

 

Rana laughed through her tears ‘I really don’t think that would help, but you’re very cute’

 

The two women sat in silence. Kate was still holding Rana, comfortingly stroking her back.

 

Imran walked in to join them ‘I’m so sorry Rana. She won’t budge. As long as you two are together she won’t let you in there. I’ve told her that if you're not allowed in, then I'm not going in either’

 

Ranas face was streaked with tears ‘You don’t have to do that. You need to be here, say all you need to say. And, as much as I hate her right now, mum needs someone with her’

 

Kates heart went out to Rana, how could she still be wanting Imran to be there taking care of Saira after how cruel she was being to her. She really was the kindest person she’d ever met and Kate didn’t think she could love her more. Why couldn't her parents see what a good woman she was?

 

Imran took his sister into his arms, her mascara staining his shirt. ‘What do you want me to tell him sis?’

 

‘Please just tell him I love him. Tell him I’m sorry and that I forgive him and that I know he loves me. Please tell him that I remember all our happy times and that I cherish those memories no matter what he thinks of me’

 

Kate looked at the brother and sister and couldn’t believe how wrong all this was. She didn’t get the chance to say good bye to her brother. Rana had this chance but her own mother was taking it away from her. She quietly walked unnoticed out of the room whilst Rana & Imran talked

 

‘Mrs Habeeb’ she said quietly approaching where Saira stood at the side rooms window

 

Saira ignored her

 

‘Mrs Habeeb’ she said a little louder, trying to remain respectful. She continued to be ignored but carried on regardless. ‘Rana is an amazing woman. You should be so proud of her. You’ve raised a fantastic person with the biggest heart. Even now, even how you are behaving she is insisting that Imran be here, looking out for you’

 

Saira continued to just stare through the glass. Kate stood alongside her, took a steadying breath and continued.

 

‘She wants to be here. She wants to be with her family. She loves you all so much. Please Mrs Habeeb. Let her have her moment with her Dad. Don’t let things be left unsaid. I didn’t get the chance with my brother. He died a couple of months ago and I didn’t get the chance to tell him how loved he was and how much I cared about him’

Tears were running down Kates face now as she thought of her brother. Saira briefly glanced across at the emotional woman beside her as Kate pleaded ‘Please don’t take this chance from her’

 

At that moment Hassans eyes flicked open, he had regained consciousness.

 

‘Hassan’ exclaimed Saira with relief and went to walk into the room ‘Nurse!’ she called alerting Rana and Imran next door.

 

‘Please’ Kate begged Saira as Rana & Imran went to enter the room but Saira blocked the door.

 

‘No!’ said Saira. ‘She chose you. She ended her role in this family’

 

‘Then I’m not going in either’ said Imran, frustrated and angry

 

Rana took his hands. ‘You have to Imran. He’s awake. Please say what I can’t’

 

Imran softened and nodded. He hugged Kate ‘Look after her’

 

‘I will’ said Kate and took Rana’s hand

 

The two women stood for a moment watching the three Habeebs. The nurses working on Hassan.

 

‘Thank you for trying Kate. I love you so much’

 

‘I’m just sorry that our relationship is causing this for you. It’s not over Rana. We’ll work it out’ said Kate determined to make things right for her girlfriend

 

\---- - - - - - ----- - ----

They travelled home in virtual silence. They held hands and Ranas head was rested on Kates shoulder but their thoughts were elsewhere.

 

As they entered the flat Kate finally spoke.

 

‘Listen, I have an idea’ she said a hint of sadness in her voice

 

‘Go on’ said Rana

 

‘Why don’t you just tell them we’ve split up?’

 

‘No, I am not denying you to anyone else Kate. I am not ashamed of us. I am who I am and they have to accept that’

 

Kate took hold of both Ranas hands and looked lovingly into her eyes ‘Maybe now isn’t the time for that battle. Let’s just think short term here. If you want to see your dad it might be the only way'

 


End file.
